Twelve Days of Kanemas

My year in review. In the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, I have encapsulated my blogs for the year in this tidy little parcel. If you are unfamiliar with the events of which I speak (talking in old English style to set the mood), thou shall click on the links to the right and be delivered to most amusing tales of woe and triumph. Yonder, you will be enchanted by most delightful yarns created by yours truly to enlighten--

"Oh bloody ‘ell, would you just get on with it!”

Okay, okay. Don’t get your knickers in a bunch. Geez, you yanks are so impatient.

I proudly present to you,

“Sharon’s Twelve Days of Kanemas":

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me...

Oh, I forgot to tell you to make sure you sing along with it. It's okay. Nobody can hear you. Unless you’re sitting at your computer really belting this out loud. Then of course they can hear you. And if you do that, don’t be surprised if someone comes to the door with a pretty white coat for you to wear. You know, the kind that ties your arms behind your back? Anyway, please either sing this to yourself in your mind, OR feel free to break out the karaoke microphone and go all the way with it. Show your spouses and children that you can get down with your bad self. Okay, maybe this isn’t exactly the best song for that. But listen. Just sing it, okay? Here we go…

mmmmmmMMMMMMM <----This is me pretending to have one of those pitch devices that the nuns always used to help us kids start off in perfect pitch. Really? Did it really help with that? "Excuse me, Sister Mary Elizabeth Aloysius Dymphna Mary Catherine Mary, could you do that for me one more time, my pitch is slightly off". (Did you know that St. Dymphna was patron saint of the insane? Me either.)

Okay, seriously, start singing...now...

On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A pre-cut firehouse tree.

On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Two annoying cats,
and a pre-cut firehouse tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
And a pre-cut firehouse tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
And a pre-cut firehouse tree.

Stop. You stopped singing, didn't you? You're just reading it now just to see what I typed. That's no fun. Practice with me. Sing, "Five Golden rings." Louder. "FIVE GOLDEN RINGS." Better. Proceed. Sing!

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
FIVE Jersey blocks! (Good thing we practiced)
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
And a pre-cut firehouse tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Old classmates drinking,
FIVE Jersey blocks!!!
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two high-maintenance cats,
And a pre-cut firehouse tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Seven facebookers commenting,
Old classmates drinking.
FIVE Jersey blocks!!!!!!!!
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
Don’t stop now, keep singing with me!

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Cancer-free recuperating,
Seven facebookers commenting,
Old classmates drinking.
FIVE Jersey blocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, can we stop here for a minute and just think about that? FIVE blocks in the middle of winter. Never again. Wait, you don’t know what I’m talking about? Shame on you for not reading about our trip to NYC. You really should have. If for nothing else, then this song would make a whole lot more sense, now wouldn’t it? (heavy sigh) You people. Okay, anyway, back to the song…

FIVE Jersey blocks!! (Ugh!)
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
and a dying pre-cut, firehouse tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Rachel HipHop Dancing,
Cancer-free recuperating,
Seven facebookers commenting,
Old classmates drinking.
FIVE Jersey blocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
What did you expect? This blog is free!

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Ten-year-old cars stalling,
Rachel HipHop Dancing,
Cancer-free recuperating, (Yay Dianne and all that survived this year)
Seven facebookers commenting,
Old classmates drinking. (burp)
FIVE Jersey blocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two non-paying cats,
And there's needles everywhere from the dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eleven kids a-raking,
Ten-year-old cars stalling,
Rachel HipHop Dancing, (NOT stripper pole dancing!)
Cancer-free recuperating,
Seven facebookers commenting,
Old classmates drinking.
FIVE God forsaken blocks!!!!
Forty boring blogs,
Three Depends,
Two annoying cats,
And my true love doesn’t really love me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve “bitches” pokering,
Eleven kids a-raking,
Ten-year-old cars stalling,
Rachel HipHop Dancing,
Cancer-free recuperating,
Seven facebookers not commenting? (WTF?)
Old classmates drinking. (Some things never change.)
FIVE Mother Friggin’ blocks!
Forty boring blogs, (including this one!)
Three Depends,
Two for sale cats,
And it all started with that darn tree!

_________

My Kaneclusion #1: What I need is…what I want is…what I yearn for is…what we all really need is, well…we...

We need a little Christmas, right this very minute…
...For I've grown a little leaner, (Not!),
Grown a little colder, (Since the trip to New York),
Grown a little sadder, (Indeed.),
Grown a little older, (Yup.)…
…For we need a little music,
Need a little laughter,
Need a little singing,
We Need a little Christmas now!!

My Kaneclusion #2: If my true love EVER gave me turtle doves, hens, geese, swans, calling birds or a partridge, I can tell you they would be out the door, and right quick! I HATE birds! And I certainly wouldn't want drummers drumming or pipers piping. What a racket! And if I wanted to see ladies dancing, I'd go to a zumba class. Or maybe back to see the "Rock of Ages" again. (NOT! Never!) And lords a-leaping? Really? Seeing men jumping about in leotards? This is what you thought to buy me for Christmas? OUT! Get OUT! And take those eight milking bitches with you! (slam) I hate milk! But I'm keeping the five golden rings though. (I'm not stupid.)

My Kaneclusion #3: After writing this blog, it has become abundantly clear to me that I need to pray to St. Dymphna more often!


Merry Christmas, Everyone!

And yes, I even mean you!



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As a present to you, (as if the above wasn't enough!), I have included a video in this blog. Every time I write a blog, Dianne gets the first read. I decided to video her this time. By the way, she never knows what I'm writing about until this first read. Enjoy! Click here.