You Might Be Addicted to Facebook

It has come to my attention that some of us may be spending a little TOO much time on Facebook, sacrificing sleep, meals, etc. to type something funny so that someone else will laugh, or play the games that Facebook has to offer, or chatting. Those of us that have Blackberries and/or cell phones strapped to our hips, who have to look at our phones every time it vibrates, may be taking the love of Facebook a bit too far. But we are not alone in the euphoric feeling that comes from the “someone wrote a comment on my post” high. Many people are addicted, and to those folks, I applaud you; I support you; I want to be your friend. (Sssspppttt, hey listen, send me a friend request later, ok? :-))

But maybe there is some truth to spending a little too much time on Facebook. So, to help my fellow addicts, in the same manner as Jeff Foxworthy‘s "You might be a Redneck" routine, I have come up with a list of indicators, red flags if you will, that will help you diagnose if YOU might be addicted to Facebook. Some of you are in denial so maybe this will be like an intervention for you. For that, I'm sorry.

Here goes:

1. If you take your cell phone/Blackberry/Iphone to the bathroom with you so you can catch up on Facebook, you might be addicted to Facebook.


2. If you have to leave your job to go home for lunch so you can post an update from your computer, you might be addicted to Facebook.


3. If you're driving down the street with one hand on the wheel, and the other one doing thumb maneuvers to type "LOL" on your phone, you might be addicted to Facebook.


4. If you need to submit a weekly report to your boss and you label it "Status Update", you might be addicted to Facebook. (Did it!)


5. If your phone is sitting next to your knife, fork, and spoon at the dinner table, you might be addicted to Facebook.


6. If you tell your spouse that you need to do some work from home and that's why you're on the computer at 11:00p.m. and when they come in the room, you minimize the Facebook window really quick so they can't see that you're really on Facebook, you might be addicted to Facebook.


7. If you wake up at 2:30 a.m. and have to boot up your laptop to check for comments/updates, you might be addicted to Facebook.


8. If your laptop crashes, and you find that going to the library with the kids is NOW a priority, all so you can check Facebook on the library’s computers, you might be addicted to Facebook.


9. If you find that you're on your 10th anniversary with your spouse on a romantic getaway, and your priority is to take pictures of the room, THE BED, etc. to share with your Facebook friends, you might be addicted to Facebook.


10. If you've set your phone to ring a special code to let you know you have a notification, you might be addicted to Facebook.


11. If you decide to go cold turkey and give Facebook a rest and not check it for a few days, then spend all day Sunday looking back at what you missed, you might be addicted to Facebook.


12. If you're typing something on Facebook and your child interrupts asking you, "Can I go shoot up some heroin?" and your reply is, "Yes, dear. Go right ahead." You might be addicted to Facebook.


13. It's 1:00 a.m. and you just remembered that you forgot to eat dinner. You might be addicted to Facebook.


14. If you're at your child's event and you missed that he/she scored a goal, hit a homerun, scored a touchdown, you missed his/her dance solo in the recital, or missed them taking their wedding vows, because you were typing a comment, you might be addicted to Facebook.


15. If you pose for every picture with the thought of how it will look on Facebook, you might be addicted to Facebook.


16. If you get excited to see friends have a green dot by their name, you might be addicted to Facebook.


17. If you haven't seen someone in years and instead of chatting with them and catching up, you direct them to Facebook and tell them to look you up, you might be addicted to Facebook.


18. If you find yourself paying closer attention to song lyrics in the hopes of creating a good update, you might be addicted to Facebook.


19. If you find that your priority is to type the following status update: "The house just caught on fire and I need to call 911 after I log off", you might be addicted to Facebook.


20. If you go on a cruise and are willing to pay the overseas/land rates to connect to the internet to check Facebook, you might be addicted to Facebook.


21. If you’re willing to take off your gloves in sub-degree temperatures to type a comment on your phone, you might be addicted to Facebook.


22. If you have to borrow someone else’s computer because yours doesn’t play videos, you might be addicted to Facebook.


23. If you and your spouse are in the house, and you're typing to each other on Facebook stuff like, "What's for dinner" or "Is the laundry done", you might be addicted to Facebook.


24. And finally, if you get deleted by a friend on Facebook and your reaction to it is to commit a federal crime, like let’s say, blackmail, you might be addicted to Facebook. (Actually on this one, you might have lost your sense of reality and need to seek help immediately!)
    
    (Disclaimer: Being a friend (or antithesis) of a writer has its definite disadvantages. However, nobody knows it’s you I’m talking about, so be cool, fool! You don’t have to out yourself as an addict…unless you don’t care, like me. Then, by all means, shout it from the rooftops. Say it with me! “My Name is Sharon…And I’m a Facebook Addict!...(Hi Sharon!)” Or laugh to yourself that you did these things and say nothing to nobody. It’ll be our little secret. I won’t tell, if you don’t tell. ;-) By the way, some of these things are just made up and not to be assumed that anyone actually did them. Smirk.)
    

If you recognized yourself in 15-24 of these, you are definitely a full blown addict, and I recommend you get help immediately…by sending me a friend request if we are not already friends. (I like you already and we're going to get along just fine.)

If you know you've done 8-14 of these, you’re an addict alright! No more sailing down that river in Egypt for you, baby! There’s only one thing left for you to do, and that’s to get a job working at Facebook so you can at least get paid for spending all that time on it.

If you found that you laughed at 3-7 of these out loud because they were true, you’re an addict, but not a serious one yet. You like to dabble in it, but are not fully committed. There’s hope for you yet!

If you found 1-2 of these mildly amusing, or not amusing at all, you’re either 1) Living on another planet, 2) Lying in bed by yourself, lonelier than Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway” and talking to a volleyball head, 3) You’re just a newbie and haven’t caught the bug yet, (but we’ll give you time to catch up) 4) You are Amish, or 5) You detest Facebook and anyone that uses it for enjoyment, and in that case, you are welcome to continue to read my blog, but you might want to stay away from the Facebook section where we talk about people like YOU. I’m just sayin’.

My Kaneclusion - Listen Folks. Don’t let anyone steal your joy. If you are addicted to Twitter, Facebook, My Space, Match.com, eHarmony, or any of the social networking outlets that have become the craze of this millenium, drive on! You're not doing anything that millions of other people aren't doing. Think of it this way. It’s healthier than what we did in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s which was sitting in smoky bars, drinking, trying to connect to people that way. If that’s how you choose to connect still, then that's okay. If you're not on the streets drunk driving, inhaling second hand smoke from bars (although that has changed now due to the no smoking in public places law), if you don't have a needle hanging out of your arm, if you're not hurting anyone or your self, then what's the big deal?!

So, I'll see you at Facebook Anonymous tonight then? (Say, do you want to skip it and meet me on Facebook instead and we'll chat? Great! See you tonight! :-)

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Copyright © 2009 Sharon Kane
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